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Setting reasonable guidelines for what you expect from another person is a key aspect of creating healthy relationships.

When holding onto unrealistic expectations, we do ourselves, as well as the other person, a disservice. 

It is important that whatever you expect is something the other person is capable of contributing to the relationship. This advice applies to setting expectations in friendships, as well as in romantic and familial relationships. 

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Questions to Ask Yourself When Setting Expectations in Relationships

What are my expectations?

If you are anything like me, you may realize that you have a hard time answering this question. One piece of insight that I gained from thinking about this topic is that I haven’t identified what my expectations are within my relationships. I think realizing this and taking the next step of clearly defining what I expect from the people in my life will help me be more conscious in assessing whether or not the other person can reasonably meet those expectations.

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Are my expectations reasonable?

It took me a little while to come up with some substantial answers to the first question. But, once I did, I was able to identify that some of my expectations were, in fact, unreasonable. Addressing this head-on helped me redefine some of these expectations in ways that will be beneficial to my relationships.

Other Factors to Consider When Setting Expectations in Relationships

Don’t Put Other People On Pedestals

I myself am guilty of this one. I have been known to think too highly of certain people, which isn’t fair to anyone involved. This pattern sets me up for disappointment when others are unable to fulfill what I asked of them. I recognize this and am working to change it. I realize that the people in my life didn’t ask to have the bar set so high.

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Realize that different people can provide different value and fill different roles

Someone close to me shared this perspective while discussing my experiences around this topic. They said they reach out to a wide variety of friends because different people have different capacities in regard to what they can offer in a relationship. This is the same idea as “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.” 

This practice involves identifying when a friend isn’t meeting one of your needs and then also taking into account what they have going on in their lives. For example, recognizing that a friend isn’t available to make plans as often as you would like and also understanding that that reality is the outcome of this individual’s time being taken up by pressing work deadlines. The goal is to understand when these scenarios are circumstantial and out of the other person’s control and to realize that it might be beneficial to reach out to other friends who are more available. Every individual is unique and has a different bandwidth of what they can offer in a relationship at any given time. Certified EFT Tapping Master Practitioner, Annie Moussu, captures this concept well in this blog post, which includes a section about identifying different categories that people in your life fit into. This isn’t about comparing people against each other or judging some relationships as better and some as worse. Rather, this is about ensuring that your expectations line up with what another person is capable of offering at this moment in time.

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In other words, instead of going towards one of the extreme ends (i.e., gritting your teeth and ignoring a situation that is making you upset or completely ending a friendship), realize that there is a lot of grey area in relationships. Taking multiple factors into account, such as context and other people’s points of view and life circumstances. can allow much more room for growth and improvement within relationships. And having the ability to expand your social circle can prevent you from placing too much pressure and strain on any one relationship.

Assessing your thoughts within your relationships can help ensure that you set reasonable expectations for the people in your life, which will help you establish healthy, long-lasting relationships.