Like many of my blog posts, I’m writing this post to offer advice and guidance on a topic that is heavy on my mind. Writing these posts allows me to get a better understanding of my struggles, helps me identify tools to improve my circumstances, and, hopefully, helps others learn from my life experiences.

Who am I and why should you listen? I’m just a 23-year-old girl sharing my experience navigating early adulthood. I’m learning through trial and error what works and what doesn’t when it comes to personal development, lifestyle, and self-care. If that sounds like something you connect with, this blog is for you.

That said, I’ve been in a bit of a slump with my professional life and personal development. Last week, I hit a point where I realized how much a general lack of discipline was negatively impacting my life. To put a more positive spin on this, I realized that implementing more disciplined systems would help me alleviate some of my angst. The irony is, that I am scrambling to finish this post about self-discipline at the last minute. But we can say this was a deliberate decision to emphasize my point.

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I am specifically choosing to call this guide “How To Build Compassionate Self-Discipline” to differentiate from rigid, overly structured, self-critical forms of discipline. I know many people, myself included, shudder at the word “discipline” because we associate it with extreme, unrealistic, and frankly unpleasant approaches.

I realized part of me was shutting down at the thought of self-discipline. My brain would say “I don’t want to do that because that is not fun.” So, in my attempt to make positive lifestyle changes and get myself out of a negative cycle, I turned to some trusted YouTube creators to teach me a better, more positive, path forward.

Michelle Barnes’ (MuchelleB) video “7 Simple, Actionable Ways to *Build Self-Discipline* teaching us “simple rules that anyone could follow to build more discipline” showed up as a suggested YouTube video just in time.

We already know I love Michelle’s content. She is so motivating and inspiring. Her videos about self-compassionate productivity” provide guidelines and actionable steps that help me learn how to align my mindset and actions with my goals. I wanted to share Michelle’s insight with you, along with my reflections and some other advice that I found.

Michelle’s Rules for Building Self-Discipline

1. Never set goals carelessly

How many times have you gotten hit with a burst of high motivation and set lofty goals for yourself, only to give up on those goals as soon as the motivation wore off? I say this with love. I know I have lived this scenario many times. But the problem is, motivation is fleeting. When we set goals that only our most motivated selves have a chance of achieving, we set ourselves up for failure.

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Michelle points out that when you set goals carelessly and don’t commit to them, you lose trust in yourself because you see yourself not meeting your goals. I know I tend to brainstorm new and exciting goals that I think would be nice to achieve, but then don’t commit to them. I am working to let go of this habit. I know I need to create more separation between my brainstorms/visions for my ideal self and my current goals. While I do love that I have these creative inspirations and ideas, I also know that this approach is causing me to lose trust in my ability to follow through with my goals. If I want to achieve something, I have to mindfully make it a goal and commit to it, not half-heartedly write it in my Notion planner and then beat myself up when it doesn’t happen.

Photo by Ivan Bertolazzi: https://www.pexels.com/photo/neon-signage-2681319/

2. If you set a goal, approach it iteratively

We face setbacks in many aspects of life, particularly when it comes to personal development. Michelle says that when you expect setbacks, you will respond to them better. Her advice for this is to approach your goals iteratively. I’m not going to lie to you—I immediately had to look up the definition of that word and learned that “iteratively” means: “in a way that is repeated again and again, usually to improve something“. How often do you think the successful people you look up to for inspiration achieve something great on the first try? I’m going to boldly let you know that the answer is not often. Lasting success requires trial and error. 

Michelle suggests brainstorming different options for achieving a goal, trying them out, and moving forward with the one that works best for you.

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3. If you notice yourself going off track, have a planned reaction.

“The trick is to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.” – Winston Churchill

Michelle shared this quote and says that the way to do this is through curiosity and planned reactions to your failure.

Her advice is to “Treat failures as a time to get curious, not critical.”

In other words, learn from your mistakes. Identify ways to improve to prevent yourself from making the same mistakes.

4. If you set any kind of goal, ask yourself: what is the easiest, most fun way of doing this?

If you make overly complicated and/or boring plans for achieving your goals, you are going to have a much harder time achieving them than if you can identify a more fun and easy path. 

5. Plan for your “non-optimal” self.

As much as we might not like to admit it, our “non-optimal” selves seem to show up more often than our highest selves. This isn’t a bad thing. We just need to learn to stop setting our expectations too high and start expecting that we will have low energy/low motivation periods. You can accomplish so much more when you learn to design the path to achieve your goals in a way that appeals to your “non-optimal” self.

6. If you feel unmotivated, use momentum creators

Michelle’s channel also offers ideas for activities you can use to create momentum and push yourself forward toward meeting your goals.

7. If you’re focusing on what you can’t control, refocus on what you can 

Worrying about things that we can’t control is a waste of time. As someone who runs anxious, I know how easy it is to get caught up in worrying. But I also know that ruminating is pointless and accomplishes nothing. Whereas focusing time and energy on what we can control allows us to make progress and improve.

More tips for building compassionate self-discipline

After watching Michelle’s video, YouTube took the hint and suggested a similar video from another creator—Jen Vogeno (itsjenvo on YouTube). I also learned a lot from this video and her other videos. 

“Knowing is not enough.” – Jen Vogeno

This quote resonated with me. I am a research queen, and I know it is tempting to spend more time researching strategies, apps, tools, etc. than actually acting. But, we need to take action to make changes and see results.

Emotional regulation

Don’t let your emotions get in your way. When I first started hearing people talk about emotional regulation, I realized this was a big-ticket item. Emotional regulation was a skill I needed to learn because letting my thoughts and emotions impact my decisions was leading me to make choices I wasn’t happy with.

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Learn how to manage your thoughts and emotions 

Your thoughts and emotions strongly impact your behavior, which is why it is important to practice coping skills. Identifying tools to manage stressors helps you prevent strong thoughts and feelings from making your decisions for you. Meditation is one way to gain more awareness of your thoughts, which can help you make more mindful decisions (as opposed to impulsive decisions).

Start small

Lasting self-improvement starts with small, achievable steps. Identify one realistic way you can start to practice more self-discipline. Implement that habit, then build from there. For me, this is establishing a more structured work schedule. 

Normalize taking action even when you “don’t feel like it.”

This probably sounds obvious, but we don’t want to do what we don’t want to do. We tend to resist tasks that sound boring, exhausting, and/or overwhelming. But, sometimes we have to do important tasks, even when we don’t feel like it. I helped myself cut down on this resistance by changing my mindset. I prepare myself ahead of time, by telling myself:

“I am going to get out of bed, even if I don’t feel like it.”

“I am going to do work, even if I don’t feel like it.”

“I am going to write, even if I don’t feel like it.”

This makes me more mindful when I hit mental roadblocks. I am training my brain to believe that I am someone who completes essential tasks, regardless of how I feel.

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Do it for your future self.

To get yourself to take action when you don’t feel like it, you can use another one of Michelle’s momentum-building tips, which is to think about your future self. You might not feel like doing something now, but instead of focusing on how you feel in the moment, think about how your future self will feel if you finish that task versus if you don’t. Overlooking instant gratification and impulses for future rewards is challenging, but effective for making you more productive (and just overall more content).

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Get enough sleep

We all know how difficult it is to accomplish anything when you are tired. Watch how much your productivity increases when you prioritize rest.

I hope you got something out of this post. I wanted to share some resources I found useful for anyone who also is interested in a more compassionate approach to discipline.

Featured Image: Photo by Vie Studio: https://www.pexels.com/photo/yellow-flower-in-close-up-shot-7006257/